He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
