ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
