My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize