piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
