sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
