I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
