Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
