a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
