i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize