have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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