He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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