she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
