Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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