I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
