You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
