I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize
