I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
