I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize