We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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