I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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