I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
