What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am mentally ready for anal.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
