Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
