I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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