True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
