I wish my penis had an off switch
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
