All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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