my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
