Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
