Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
