Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
