So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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