I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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