Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
