highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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