I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
