He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
