i wish my penis had a tongue
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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