If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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