i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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