i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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