There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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