i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if only i could text you this smell
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize