just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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