just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
