I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
