She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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