If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
