my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
