If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
