The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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