I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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