im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
